[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
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BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I never needed anything more in my life
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home