I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
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“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me