A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
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The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Childbirth is so beautiful
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
💻🤡
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
don’t be scared
I’m pretty like a car crash.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
🤣✨#caturday
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go