cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
You Might Also Like
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?