Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
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She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.