Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
You Might Also Like
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”