So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
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facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft