@DaHess1: "Cellphones only work when you talk into them like you're trying to be heard over a buzzsaw screwing a freight train."
- My Dad
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@HuffPostComedy: We like the way Dwight thinks
@iwearaonesie: How much longer? Did you bring any snacks? They want $5 for M&M's! I wanna go home Is it over yet? - me watching my kids Christmas pageant
@thetits: Guarantees in life: 1) death 2) taxes 3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
@Marcmywords2: "Where you going, we're in the middle of a conversation." OMG! This is just the middle. Annnnnd that's how the fight started.
@djdarrellripley: Me: I forbid you to go! Her: What was that? Me: You heard me! I said, "I'd really appreciate it if you'd reconsider!"
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