"Cellphones only work when you talk into them like you’re trying to be heard over a buzzsaw screwing a freight train." – My Dad

@jenlaw_11: Netflix just asked me to rate 'Spy Kids 2' and I clicked "I haven't seen it" but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

1

@jordan_stratton: Don't be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

1

@10InchesPlus: Some people need Rosetta Stone for Sarcasm

1

@ShanaRose21: After reading some marriage tweets I'm beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

1

@UglyProbIemz: ppl: are u sick? me: no, im just ugly

104

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets