@2tickytacky: If your date asks what you do for a living, just say "You let me worry about that."

@weinerdog4life: The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that's weird.

@trojansauce: [me on my death bed after being trampled at a one direction concert] please tell people it was auto erotic asphyxiation

@DonQuickoats: I don't even know how my dog can even think how I might fall for the notion someone else tore apart my shoe

@Vodkantots: Awwww, she looks so sweet and peaceful when she's not yelling. -my kids, watching me sleep