Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
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Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables