@WheelTod: Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you've been seeing for less than a week.
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@McGrumpenstein: *Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle* “BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping” *drops mic* *stunned whale crowd loses it*
@VolatileVani: I'm outside my kid's door, listening to him and his friends rank hot moms & I'm apparently second so now I guess I have to kill Billy's mom.
@GraceSpelman: My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
@abhorrent_wife: I don't always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.