Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
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I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?