CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
You Might Also Like
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*