CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
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Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.