CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
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My daily affirmation
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
According to math, I’m broke
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
My five year plan is a meteorite
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.