CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
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him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady