CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
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why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Oceanography is all about current events
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.