CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
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I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??