[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
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“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
The real reason evolution started..😂
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter