@codyspencer0: Cereal box mascots give kids a dangerously positive view of animals who in the wild would literally kill them before they gave them cereal.
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@slimmy_shady: I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, "I'm peeing in here!"
@JElvisWeinstein: I know my computer doesn't have a virus because I've never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
@littlekitnerboy: If there's one thing that Twitter has taught me its that all the weird kids in school eventually find each other.
@PrettyInCamo11: You know it's time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one