Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
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“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.