Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
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I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Mornin
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.