Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
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The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
i spent way too long on this
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
“Wait, let me explain..”
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
This one’s “Alex”.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.