(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
You Might Also Like
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
HOW DARE YOU
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.