Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
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The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”