*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
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Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing