@ThingsJackDigs: Chainsaws: because "The Texas Weed-whacker Massacre" just wasn't scary enough
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@LinajkReturns: If he buys your drink, but you're really not interested? Smile at him, thank him and then stick the olive up your nose.
@stephenjmolloy: Me: "I'd like to pay by card." Waiter: "Contactless?" Me: "No, you can cuddle me."
@Tommytoughstuff: [Meeting] *Gestures to pie chart* "Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds."
@DanMentos: My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa