Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
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You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No