[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
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if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.