If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
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I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I only eat vegetarians.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
My wife gives the best headache.