Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
You Might Also Like
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
This trial is so absurd 😭
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”