Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
You Might Also Like
I like long walks away from everyone
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed