@Reverend_Scott: FITBIT: You've done 11k steps today. ME: Ok, I'll rest some. FITBIT: stop now and I'll murder you ME: What? FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

@Dani_Feld: The right response to "I'm a bit tied up at the moment" isn't "what are you wearing?" Apparently.

@EliseRose5: Letsh Have Shex! -Horny Sean Connery

@MarkAFuqua_Hunt: After many years I've realized I'm allergic to beer. It causes me to break out in places. Places I have no idea how to get home from.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: My new yoga instructor's name is Matt so I called him "Yoga Matt" & he said "yeah, don't ever call me that". Yoga Matt isn't very zen.