[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
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Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids