@ColoChiver: Think of a number between 0 and 20 Add 32 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 1. Now close your eyes. It's dark isn't it?

@MensHumor: Your swag is gonna look amazing on that Burger King application.

@DRUNKdadding: I'm pretty sure our nanny's grandmother has died like seven times now......

@Shawn_spree: Wife: Am I grotesque? Me: No, angel cake! Wife: Why did you call me a cake? Me: Cake is round? *runs *

@KalvinMacleod: BRAIN: it's 4am u up? ME: leave me alone B: who was our grade 5 teacher? M: stop B: why's our eye itchy? M: I'm ignoring u B: engage bladder