Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
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Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.