Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
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I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors