Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
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Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
wtf management?!
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.