@birbigs: Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
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@turtledumplin: A zombie apocalypse will be the only time you'll hear me say 'please don't eat me' ......aaaand send
@better_off_dad: 16: 'We should put a flat screen on the wall!' Wife: 'I really don't like mounting things.' Me: *mumbles 'No shit.' W: 'What was that??'
@elvisknievil: If you ever need 15 minutes of peace and quiet from texting, tell her to send a selfie.
@hopiecan: how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp's life had to be that she included "doorbells" on her list of favorite things