Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
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“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
this has done me in for some reason
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
i can’t wait that long
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!