Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
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Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
A leaf blower, but for people.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]