“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
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A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond