Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
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This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Ron is short for Aaronald
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time