i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
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Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog