Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.