Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
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I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.