@birbigs: Changed my outgoing voicemail message to "You have reached the government."
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@TheEighthKnight: Making fun of someone you're angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
@kumailn: Mustaches are the eyebrows of the lower face lol. Now that I have your attention, climate change is a real problem whether we see it or not.
@ericsshadow: ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills] SON: I lost a tooth. I'm gonna leave it under my pillow tonight. ME: I'd wait until next week.