@birbigs: Changed my outgoing voicemail message to "You have reached the government."
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@joshy_beck: There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
@sweet_pea707: HR: Do you know why I called you in here today? Me: I have a boyfriend HR: Ok, sorry to bother you
@TheAlexNevil: Going to a friend's surprise birthday party. I already know about it, but I'll act surprised anyway.
@squirrel74wkgn: Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.