Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
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Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.