Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
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I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Don’t forget to tip your server
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”