[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
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Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.