If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
You Might Also Like
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Meow
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.