@mattZillaaaa: *changes voicemail recording to "your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
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@NotPeterStark: Me: "Hi, do nurses still give sponge baths?" Nurse: "Sir, you're just here for a blood pressure reading..." *pulls pants back up*
@daimonic0: If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
@KyleMcDowell86: [old couple feeding ducks in the park] "Nothing could ruin this Edna" *I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
@uccjeb: Just saw 666 on a license plate and, in case you guys were wondering, Satan drives a Jeep.