@mattZillaaaa: *changes voicemail recording to "your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
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@TheWoodenslurpy: Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can't complain
@iamrandomape: [job interview] BOSS: biggest weakness? ME: I never know when to quit BOSS: that's ok, ur hired ME: I quit
@dril: if your grave doesnt say "rest in peace" on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war
@Sarcasticsapien: Why can't we edit tweets? Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say "RT if you hate puppies and babies."