*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
You Might Also Like
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar