Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
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I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I bet birds love this building.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!