I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
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When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I love it all
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials