My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
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Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
one last job
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
what the
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Aaaa…CHOO!
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
me as a parent
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.