* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
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*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?