Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
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I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
This is painfully accurate 😅
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
lmfao
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people